Today I watched The Notebook, a movie inspired by a book written by Nicholas Sparks. In this beautiful, heart-wrenching story, a young man and a young woman develop an intense romance during the summer. The trust between the two is evident: she is ready to catch him when he falls, and he provides a patient support for her. It is almost too beautiful to be real, and unfortunately, it is. She is wrenched from him by her parents, cognizant that he cannot offer her adequate financial support. But, the tensions between the parents and the couple seem inconsequential when compared to the great love between the two. When watching the two interact with each other, I marveled at their mutual trust, companionship, and happiness displayed unaffectedly.
I wish that I could have this trust with another person here at Stanford. I have problems placing my full trust in someone. Maybe this can be attributed to the fact that when I was a kid I was moved around a lot, which forced me to adapt to differnet environmnets and made it difficult for me to make lasting friends. In any case, it is difficult for me to surrender my deepest, most introspective thoughts to someone. I tell myself that no one would concern themselves with such thoughts and that I shouldn’t bother. On the other hand, I cry out silently.
Stupid, I know.
What’s more, is that I’ve been more and more preoccupied with what people think of me. How can I be concerned with this when I don’t expect them to interact with me? Why does it even matter? The truth is, that it does matter in some cases.
I am so broken, that I can’t even put coherent sentences together.
I am so broken that there are a million pieces of me on the floor, and I don’t even have the energy nor the motivation to sweep them up into a neat pile and deposit them in the dustbin.
Let’s refocus on the things that give me joy.
Masterclass with the King’s Singers is coming up, as is their concert, of which I have a comp ticket. Sweetness! It will be awesome, ear-opening, and generally awesome, I am sure. Stephen Sano, director of the Stanford Chamber Chorale, and graduate of Cubberly High School in Palo Alto (back when it was still open), has the connections that allowed us to secure this masterclass.
Detective work with the political science department. No, really, the research is like being Sherlock Holmes. I have to go find books in the library and find specific militarized interstate disputes so that I can create narratives about these disputes. These narratives will lead to a better understanding and use of the data set of which the disputes are a part. It’s fascinating, rewarding, new, challenging, and relevant. Not much more that I can ask for! It integrates computer technology and paper technology (read: books) in this one project. Finally, I learn about the political happenings in many different countries in many different time periods. It’s great.
Freud class with Professor Douvaldzi. My views of the relationships of culture, language, literature, and psychology are forever changed. She brings such a vibrancy, focus, and intelligence to the class that we are perpetually reaching a higher understanding in a wonderful way-through intimate discussion of Freud’s texts. Also, I’ve developed an almost intellectual crush on one of the students in the class. I love watching the mental cogs in his mind turn when he delivers one of his clever comments. It’s a beautiful sight. (And he has beautiful, long, curly blond hair.) For some reason, I just started smiling in class. Not grinning like an idiot, (or at least I hope not) but rather smile that begins small, but gradually becomes bigger with the realization of the beauty of the moment. Marvel and wonder.
My roommate is awesome. He is so accommodating, neat, involved, and an all around great guy. The other day he had a date, and he asked me what he should wear. After about a half hour of deliberation or so, I picked out the right outfit for him. A dark, striped button down shirt, a pair of jeans-both mine.I felt oddly proud and amused at the fact that I was dressing my roommate. Later, he said that his date had remarked about the togetherness of his outfil.
Thanks, Matt!
