So today I did this survey for the psych department, and it asked me to rate my agree/disagree sentiments regarding how I identify with my race, and how it affects my life.
My answers mostly translated to that I don’t strongly identify with my race, nor do I think that it factors into my decisions heavily, such as making friends or relating to others. But rather, on closer inspection, I see that this answer might be a result of the projection of my wishes onto my feelings. Maybe I want to eschew the Asian stereotype so badly that I blind myself to the reality that there are many things about this stereotype that I take part of. I want to rebel so much against this ingrained stereotype of the studious, anti-social Asian.
Who knows.
Actually, I don’t feel like I have enough information of Asian culture to say whether or not I strongly identify with it. Culture itself is permanently and constantly changing according to the definitions set by those of that race. I don’t feel like I have been concious of these changes, and consequently cannot definitely state that I belong to this identity.
Furthermore, I feel like culture is so amorphous and ambivalent that it is not worth trying to totally understand at one moment because at the next moment, it’ll be something different. Language neatly provides the opportunity to forgo this ambivalence with one word, that ties up the loose ends and cleanly contains all definitions and ideas in this one signifier. The problem is that its signifieds are varied, complexly related, and numerous.
I am me.
